| WHAT YOUR ADVISOR SAYS | WHAT YOUR ADVISOR MEANS |
| Look at this as a learning experience | You're going to suffer |
| Let me explain the format of the defense. | Let me make you even more nervous. |
| I'm here to lend you support. | I'm here to destroy you so you won't look smarter than me. |
| I found the overall concept interesting. | This is my token compliment before ripping your idea to shreds. |
| I would liked to have had more time to study this. | I didn't read it. |
| I have some concerns about the theory upon which your study is based. | I hate the theory, but I can't insult the author so I'll insult your work instead. |
| There are some aspects of the study that I would like to hear more about. | I read it but I just don't remember anything about it. |
| Your hypotheses are not strongly enough linked to the existing literature. | You came up with an innovative idea and I want to make sure you never do it again. |
| Your research is an interesting extension of my own work. | Why didn't I think of this before you did? |
| You have failed to take into account some of the more relevant literature. | You failed to cite me. |
| I would like you to explain... | I don't know anything about this stuff so you'll have to explain it to me. |
| Your statistical results don't seem to support your hypothesis. | I don't understand statistics. |
| Your selection of statistical tests is rather simplistic. | I'm the only one here that understands statistics and I wanted to rub it in. |
| How did you ensure that you had drawn a random sample? | I had to come up with at least one question and this one always works. |
| This is a great topic for your thesis. | This is some grunge work that will help me get tenure. |
| You will be ready to write up soon, but need to do just one more experiment/program/chip. | You have now become a useful slave, and I am not about to let you graduate without doing more footwork for me. |
| Your funding is secure. | Maybe. |
| Your funding is probably OK. | Start worrying. |
| I'll see what we can do about funding. | Start looking for another advisor. |
| Think of this as an investment in skills that will be useful to you in your later career. | We're going to exploit you to the gills |
| Don't listen to XYZ, just listen to me | Both XYZ and I are fools, but I'm funding you. |
| Let's wrap this up. | I'm hungry |
| Could you step out of the room while the committee comes to a decision? | We decided beforehand to give you your degree, but we still want to make you sweat some more. |
| Write another chapter. | Write another chapter. |